I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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