You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Thank you for not boning my boss.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
