don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
