well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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