A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
