in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
