I think I died a long time ago.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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