Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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