Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
