they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
