We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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