I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
