I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
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For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I could fuck to npr.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves