yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
time to smoke my breakfast
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
