new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
