my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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