Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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