I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
