Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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