i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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