I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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