Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize