I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
