I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
