chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
