I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
