saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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