Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
