That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
