You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
