I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
