mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
