i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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