'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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