My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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