Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
