kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
