I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
