I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
