She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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