matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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