Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
