hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
