i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
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