why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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