I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
