the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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