You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
