Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
