Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
