He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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