I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
