Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
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She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
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This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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