I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
