I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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