I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
