I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
