I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
